Timeout after Papa’s passing
爸爸逝世后的短暂休整（丧父之痛不会完全消失）
BY LEE WEI LING
李玮玲
My life changed on March 23 when Papa died at the age of 91. As he aged and his health failed in the five years prior to that, I took his welfare into account in everydecision I made. His death was hardly unexpected; yet, Papa’s passing affected me more than I had anticipated.
3月23日那天，享年91岁的爸爸去世了，我的人生随之而改变。爸爸晚年随着年纪渐长而体弱多病，因此过去五年来，我做每个决定都得将父亲考虑在内。爸爸的去世说不上是突然，但对我的影响仍比我想象中要大。
I had not travelled alone since 2009 after he asked me to accompany him on his workingtrips. After Mama died in October 2010, Papa’s health deteriorated. So I restricted my travels abroad to the ones where I could accompany him as I was concerned about his fragile health.
自2009年陪同父亲出差后，我都没有独自旅行过。2010年10月妈妈去世后，爸爸的身体状况欠佳。所以考虑到他虚弱的身体，我限定自己的外出旅行，只去那些要陪同爸爸的地方出差。
Following Papa’s funeral, I was not feeling up to a distant trip so soon. But friends encouraged me to attend a week-long meeting organised by the American Academy of Neurology in Washington DC, which began on April 18. After that, I would visit a close friend living in Ithaca, New York.
爸爸的葬礼之后，我没有准备好长途的旅行。但朋友鼓励我到华盛顿参加4月8日美国脑神经学会主办为期一周的会议，之后我可以到纽约伊萨卡（Ithaca）探望一名密友。
I was hesitant about the trip as I was spent. My muscles were stiff and my body ached. Infact, I remained this way until the day I left Singapore some two weeks later.I travelled in spite of my misgivings because I decided that I needed to proveto myself I was capable of being as daring and reckless as in the past when I travelled alone.
我有点犹豫，在启程之前两周我依然浑身疼痛，肌肉僵硬，但我想证明自己能够像过去一个人出国时一样大胆，因此仍决定前往美国。
The journey lasted more than 24 hours. But amazingly, when I landed in Washington DC, I nolonger felt stiff or sore and was not hobbled by jet lag either. So I checked into the hotel, washed up and changed into a pair of running shorts and T-shirt- and jogged to the meeting’s venue at a convention centre to register and attend the lectures.
这段旅程持续了24小时，但意外的是，当我到达华盛顿的时候，我的状况奇佳，不再浑身酸痛和僵硬，甚至没有明显的时差反应。我在酒店办理入住，梳洗之后换上跑鞋和T恤，慢跑到会议地点去注册登记并出席讲座。
As lectures started at 6.30am from the second day, I decided to run instead of walk to the venue inorder to save a few more minutes for sleep. I would also run back and forth from my hotel to the venue to attend the lectures.
因为讲座是在第二天早上6:30开始，所以我决定跑到会场，而不是走过去，这样可以腾出多一点睡觉的时间。就这样，几天来我每天跑步往返酒店和会场。
By embarking onsuch shuttle runs three to four times daily, I clocked an average distance of at least 10km a day. What made these runs more challenging was that I had to cross busy streets and step up and down the sidewalks, often in the dark.
我每天这样规律地跑三四趟，每天平均跑10公里。挑战的是，我需要穿过繁忙的街道，还需要在黑暗中在路边爬上爬下。
At the meeting,I tried to absorb and remember new information and concepts. The regimen I constructed kept my mind away from dwelling on the loss of Papa, except at night when I was trying to sleep. I was moderately cheerful during the day. Learning combined with exercise has always had an anti-depressant effect forme. So I felt as if I was 40 years old once more during the meeting.
在会上，我努力吸收和记忆讯息和理念。有纪律的生活让我至少在白天不会沉溺于失去父亲的伤痛，虽然到了晚上辗转反侧时还是会思念他。白天的时候我会适度兴奋。学习与运动的良好作用也令我感觉自己回到了40岁。
After the conference, I travelled to Ithaca to stay with a close friend. She, too, had lost a loved one recently. I thought we could console each other.
会后，我去Ithaca和要好的朋友待在一起。她和我一样，最近失去了一位亲人。我想我们可以互相安慰彼此。
My friend is four years older and I call her jie jie (“elder sister” in Mandarin); in fact, being motherly is a more accurate description of her behaviour towards me. And when she greeted me, I had an immediate and overwhelming sense of belonging.
我的朋友比我大四岁，我叫她姐姐。实际上，更确切的描述应该是她像妈妈一样对待我。当她见到我时，我瞬间有了强烈的归属感。
My stay with jie jie was the downtime I needed. I occupied my time with routine – grocery shopping, gardening, twilight walks and drives to scenic sanctuaries. It was early spring in Ithaca, and life was returning after an apparently harsh winter. Daffodils and hyacinths were in full bloom, and the trees were startingto leaf out.
我和姐姐在一起的时光正是我需要的缓冲时间。我用规律的生活填满我的生活：买菜，除草，黄昏散步和开车去景区。那是Ithaca早春时节，万物复苏。水仙和风信子花正在盛开，树木已经开始发芽。
My friend remarked that the changing of the seasons seemed to reflect the cyclical nature of life and death. For me, it was reassuring just to have the sense ofcontinuity, the familiarity of a beautiful Ithaca, and the comfort of anenduring friendship. While this was a welcome change of scene, it was hard notto turn my thoughts to Papa. But unlike the period of two weeks prior and two weeks after his death, thinking of him now evoked a dull ache that was replacing the sharp pain I felt previously.
我的朋友指出，季节的变化似乎反映生死的周期性。对于我来说，没有间断感，对美丽Ithaca的熟悉程度，以及持久友谊的舒适度都令我很欣慰。虽然这一幕是一种可喜的变化，但很难让我不把这些情愫联系到爸爸。
I suspect this ache will always remain, but perhaps to a lesser degree as time passes.
我觉得这种疼痛会一直保持，但随着时间的推移也许会慢慢减轻。
In my article published a week after Papa’s funeral, I wrote that I must now move on to face life without him. That was a declaration of hope rather than a statement of fact.
在爸爸葬礼后我发表的一篇文章中，我写到我必须向前进，去面对没有爸爸的生活。那是一份希冀的宣告而不是事实的陈述。
I will move on,I have to. But as a friend who had experienced the passing of his parents long ago recalled, that sense of loss and the ache will never completely disappear.
我会前行，我必须前行。但是作为之前经历失去双亲的朋友，她回忆说那种失落感和痛苦将永远不会完全消失。
But today, the sun was out, and as I ran up my friend’s driveway, the budding trees and flowers greeted me. We went for a walk at my favourite waterfall, Taughannock Falls, where I have asked my friend to scatter my ashes after I die. But fornow, life is sweet.
但是今天，太阳出来了，我跑了我朋友的车道，萌芽的树木和鲜花迎接我。我们去了我最喜欢的瀑布—瀑布Taughannock，在那里我要求我的朋友在我死后散步把我的骨灰撒在那里。不过，现在的生活是甜蜜的。
My way of coping with my father’s death is to be grateful that my parents lived happy lives. Old photographs of Mr and Mrs Lee Kuan Yew together, young and obviouslyin love, and more recent ones taken in their eighties and evincing mutualaffection, remind me of what my father said when he saw me sorting through pictures of himself and my mother. “How lucky I have been,” he remarked.
对于父亲的去世我的应对方式是感恩，感恩我的父母过着幸福的生活。李光耀先生和太太的老照片，很年轻，很相爱，而且最近更多他们80多岁的照片，深情相拥，让我想起了当父亲看到我整理妈妈的照片时说的话，“我多幸运啊！”
Yes, my parents were lucky until Mama’s devastating stroke in 2008. Subsequently they suffered,as anyone who has lived for so long usually did in the last few years of theirlives.
是的，我的父母很幸运，直到妈妈2008年病倒。后来他们遭受疾病，因为任何人到了这个年纪都会如此。
Still, 60 years of happiness surely outweigh a brief period of suffering. As I see it, myparents were fortunate to have been able to spend their final years in theirmarital home, a privilege rare among couples.
然而，60年的幸福绝对超越了那短暂的痛苦。在我看来，我的父母很幸运可以在他们的婚房度过他们的最后几年，这对于夫妻来说是很少见的。